"Never in a million years would we have thought we would be saying this to our toddler, "If you eat your pizza, you can have more spinach.""

"I think I've successfully scared Kelly away from having babies"

"for a woman, if you don't like her kid(s), she'll pounce you and try to kill you with a spoon"

"I think she'd notice if we disappear. she's a bit of an attention hog"

"Dave said it's probably a conspiracy to try to make conspiracy theorists look stupid. LOL"

"the things I do for you.. like, turn on my wii at random times.. I must like you or something"

"I told him 'yeah but she's MY friend now'"

"the thing about bikes is... it's not automatic. you gotta actually like.. work. uphills are hard"

"I've noticed that since I've become more apparent in my pregnancy.. Dave's gotten carded less. there's a correlation there!"

"I like looking at my character's ass while she runs. the game is so pretty you can't help it. it's like 'wow, my character has a nice ass. geez.'"

"why bother when I've got you on chat?!"

"if seeing Britney Spear's vagina is wrong, then I don't want to be right!!!"

"people annoy me more when it's Monday. by Friday, I've been numbed by stupidity"

"'I fix stupid.' omg that should be on my business card!!! or rather, 'I attempt to fix stupid'. or maybe.. 'I can only fix stupid if you help me'"

"people are being charged to learn common sense? we can fix stupid for MUCH less! after they pay, the guy could be like 'that was lesson one. common sense should've told you that $3000 was too expensive'"

"I get all excited cuz I think it's someone who wants to chat with me"

"my eyes are starting to bleed"

"oh yes, it's lovely. except now I think I've melted"

"eek hurry! I'm not sure what will happen if you hurry but I think that's better than not hurrying"

"OMG THAT WAS FUN!!"

"apparently the game doesn't like it when I win"

"I'm noticing a pattern. you play a lot of games."

"it's like someone took my head and stuck it on someone else's body"

"I hope you don't tell your future girlfriend that ;P"

"I'd hate to live in that area code. that would suck"

"nurses are CRAZY!!"

"they say males mature slower.. but this is ridiculous"

"That was a delayed reaction of your taste buds, eh?"

"I know, I'm weird"

"we need to rethink this friendship. I have expectations, you know"

"blame the preggy brain"

"I don't know how I'm gonna look in purple. maybe like a prune"

"aren't you glad I didn't make you a bridesmaid? I think you'd hate me forever"

"did you do okay at our wedding? I was like 'omg what is Candice going to eat?"

"if I wanted a regular video game to push buttons with, why would I have gotten a Wii?"

"get a fish, and then transfer him from one tank to another [with your hands] and then you can say, 'wow, so this is what it feels like to be pregnant'. I'll let you do it to our fish on Sunday - he can handle a little bit of trauma for the sake of life experience"

"grammar nazi"

"whenever I wanna talk to my husband, I have to sign onto Second Life"

"Get online, Candice, so I can say something cool so you can quote me!"

"hold on. I'm talking to Candice."

"as much as you claim to be a misanthrope, you love humans"

"I am Helen, queen of the lazies!!"

"you should never take me seriously"

"in every religion, there's a specific goal to worship mother earth. I wonder why that always gets forgotten"

"damn it, everyone should be interested in yoga!!!"

"rarely do I get to talk to new males on my list who don't try to get into my pants and ask me 'asl?' they're a rare breed among the onliners these days"

"there should be more crotch jokes in the world. helps people relax. we all got 'em, might as well make fun of 'em"

"And the avian flu. It's not derived from happy chickens, you know."

"Support our humans."

"funny that we get a whole day off for 'president's day', but we don't get a day off to vote for the president"

"I hate tyops P"

"if you can't laugh your ass off at yourself, there's something wrong with you"

"secretly, I'm plotting my escape from America"

"I think my version of hell would be to argue with stupid people"

"I wouldn't wanna upset the grammar queen"

"the worst followers of Jesus Christ are Christians."

"it's always fun to run away from a mob of pick-axing hypocritical jesus lovers"

"I had a conversation with God last night. She told me that Bush is on Her shitlist."

"if I die, let people know they're stupid."

"yeah it's nice to be able to make someone almost pee in their pants. you feel special."

"why anyone would choose ignorance over education is beyond me"

"my rants make up for my lack of physical violence"

"you should quote that, just cuz it's so damn funny"

"I think people mistake Buddhism to be wussy-pussing around. And I am NOT a wussy-pusser."

"I was ready to throw my Buddhism towel in and say screw peace."

"yeah Dave doesn't like chatting with me"

"goddamn it, just tell me what to do already! I'm tired of thinking on my own!"

"we're a couple of dorksters"

"ah I love America. the land of the fucking stupid"

"if Bush is going to be in charge of the health of my pussy, I'm gonna die laughing"

"I beat the edit queen!! score 1 for Helen, 325242 for Candice!"

"if I get any more hippie ideals, I might as well just never get out of the house"

"I feel like a dime in a mass of pennies."

"if we were talking about private parts, this would be a much more worthy discussion"

"dude, you'd be screwed if you were in America lol"

"I'm surprised I don't have more than one stalker by now"

"kittens and guns don't mix"

"do I need to whip out the extra Helen humor?"

"don't worry, you're still the Vanna White of Pick My Brain"

"my legs are for.. er.. shaving"

"can never be too quick defending your own strangeness"

"I wanna connect with the homosexual artsy-fartsy world"

"I swear, Americans have no taste ;P"

"we gotta defend the skinny chicks! ;)"

"I'm like, a dog in heat for positive reinforcement"

"'remembre'? what am I, Canadian or something?"

"I can take hell. Bring it on."